guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
