when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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