tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
