never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
