So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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