this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
