the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
