Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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