Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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