dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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