he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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