Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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