Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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