You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
