I love black thongs
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
