My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
