My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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