So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
