The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
