That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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