I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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