Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
