Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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