you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
They took my balls.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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