So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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