I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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