Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I think I just sharted jello shots
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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