WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Randomize
