I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
