She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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