I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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