you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
