dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
