Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
