Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
