captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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