Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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