I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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