I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
