just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
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I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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