on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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