If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
