yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
