We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
