Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
