You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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