Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
