Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
