3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
