I accidentally had phone sex last night
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
