and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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