Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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