what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
