what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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