2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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