When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We left the knife in your bed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
