??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
