so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
